Breaking it down

Whenever friends back home would ask, "How's life in Singapore?", I found myself with the exact same reaction. I would first take a deep breath, muster the sincerest smile possible, and say, "It's...okay", then change the topic.

So I guess it comes as no surprise to find that my friends ultimately do not get how it truly was for me last semester. Hence, to break it all down once and for all, I decided to sift through my old blog and post the entry that best describes my first semester in Singapore...in its most UNSAFE, UNFILTERED, UNTHOUGHT-OF form:

Post Title: Where do you go when you're lonely?
Post Date: 10/03/2006

Is it just me or is this week turning out to be exceptionally sad and lonely? Half-heartedly coming home from a week-long trip to the Philippines on Sunday,witnessing the UAAP Championship loss of my beloved Ateneo on Monday, and drifting along today inside libraries and study halls as part of my hardcore Econ midterm prep.

Honestly, this feeling of loneliness has been hanging over me like a perpetual rain cloud above my head ever since I got here. True, there have been days wherein I've had a bit of fun, but as I look back at my life here so far, it feels so empty compared to my life back home. And the funny thing is, I feel like I'm a spectator to my own life, just watching it all unfold and powerless to do anything about it. I can almost hear people back home saying, "Make new friends, join stuff, put yourself out there!" Easier said than done, but I guess I can't blame them because unlike me, they're not here to see what it's actually like.

I thought that all I needed before coming here were washing machine skills and a smile. That's always worked before anyway. But now that I've seen what it's like, I realized that you need so much more. And sometimes, surviving just takes too much effort, hence the detachment and consequential loneliness.

I'm not even making sense am I? Anyway, when you think about it,loneliness is such an essential part of human life. I just realized that more than half of the songs, movies, and series that I've encountered involve this emotion. I guess dwelling on your loneliness gives you something to bother with, for otherwise you'll be an empty shell, just drifting along each day. And admittedly, dwelling on your loneliness of the moment makes it all the more sweeter when things do finally look up for you. As Meredith Grey said, "You hit yourself so hard because it feels so good when you stop."

Therefore, allow me the luxury of reveling in this bittersweet bubble of loneliness.

I lost Kaypee that semester. I'm trying to find her again this time.

Forgive me for not being able to handle that and everything else.