The Best of Both Worlds

March has ended.

This fact settled in only when I finally got the chance to sit around and bum today.I was flipping through my uber-girly planner and looking at my March calendar made me dizzy.I seriously can't remember the last time I had time to chill, sink back into my pillows and read a book.

My March calendar was filled with breakfast dates, lunch-cum-gossip sessions, home-cooked dinners, debate stuff, midterms and papers, awesome concerts and musicals, and ultimately, people. People-friends, family, acquaintances-who have all made my life so far just a little bit more interesting. And contrary to what some people think (Hi Don!LOL), I am happy :)

Sometimes, however, it feels like I have two different lives. Having been recently asked by my friends back home how I've been doing recently, I found it extremely hard to come up with an answer. Not for lack of something to say, but rather being faced wit h the overwhelming task of relating everything that I've been through this month. And even if I did tell them about the fantastic Phantom of the Opera set that I recently saw, or how I was so thrilled by the Bossa Nova concert I went to, or even how I spent my birthday (Night time pilgrimage to Cafe Del Mar, thank you very much :)), it still doesn't cut it. Somehow, it still feels like my life here is a distant bubble from my Manila life.

I guess it's a natural progression. You grow up, move out, see the world. You make friends, share your life with them, move away and make new friends and memories. The reason why I have a set of Singapore friends is to have people who understand the beauty of Uncle Vincent's supper, late-night walks, and 4k runs to West Coast Park. On the other hand, only my Manila friends will truly understand Manila life's greatest pleasures:Saturday morning Mcdo longganisa meal and fried rice breakfast, afternoon sessions by the UP isaw stands, and the UAAP season which turns mere men into gods.

I'm digressing, aren't I? Okay, back to the point: March has ended and it did before I even knew it had begun. Which is absolutely fun but scary all at the same time, because if time flies by this fast when you're having fun, then it almost makes me feel like I don't want to have too much fun. Does that make sense? Haha. But ultimately, I am happy. This is the happiest I've been for a very long time actually. Never mind that time seems shorter when I'm enjoying it. Never mind that everything turns into a blur. Never mind that it makes me realize the daunting possibility that everything I have right now could very well be ephemeral and short-lived. Because right now, right at this very moment, I am happy :)


Val, the reason why my TOSH Colossal Cookie is sweeter :)

Gina, the only person who understands the joy of stepping into Bayo :)

Birthday dinner at Marche!

Ashley, my birthday mate!:)

Chillin at the Cafe Del Mar beach front for my birthday!

With Esther on the way to Dinner and Dance

The prom-ish venue

Let's play a game!Spot the difference:



Spotted it yet?


Esther and I with the happy Ming Feng


Ming Kiat and the funny hat


Jenny dear


I love men in uniform haha :)

Phantom of the Opera pics!

Full Circle

This was taken during my 18th birthday party.

It's so hard to believe that it was already a year ago. I feel so far away from my life then, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's just different, I guess. I remember thinking then about such details: the design of my dress, the decor of the place, the music to be played, the presents that I would be receiving.

But now, it's just a distant, blissful memory.

With my birthday exactly a week away, I guess it's inevitable that I do a bit of reminiscing. I remember dreading my birthday last year because that was the day I had to take my scholarship exam and my final exams in Ateneo. It was a marathon of 3 grueling exams in one day and by the end of it all, I was just sitting on one of the benches along the SEC walkway, absolutely exhausted. I remember thinking if I would ever survive that day. Sitting and typing this from my dorm in a foreign city definitely proves that I did.

It amuses me to look back a year and realize that I led a relatively small life. I was studying in a good school with a very sheltered environment. I was surrounded by my friends and family. A typical week would consist of school for the weekdays and weekend mall dates with my girls or my mom. I guess I could say that those were definitely happy days, yet I always felt like there was something bigger in store for me. Yet when I did try to discover that "something", I was met with a lot of sadness and loneliness, to the point where I was starting to question why I even wanted it and whether it was really for me in the first place. But as I always say, when you hit rock-bottom, there's no way to go but up. In a year, I left everything to look for Kaypee, lose her, and start to find her once more. Yet the Kaypee I found is now slightly older, wiser, but still full of hope and joy. I am overwhelmed by the roller coaster ride that is the past year (though I have yet to ride a real roller coaster). But I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

A friend asked me what I wanted for my birthday this year. Had he asked a year ago, I would've answered, "A top from ____, a skirt from ____, and shoes from ____. Oh, you might want to throw in _____'s new CD too." But now, I was honestly at a loss. Pondering upon it more, I finally came up with a list:

1) A roller coaster ride
2) A day for ice skating
3) Something (anything!!!) in the mail
4) The best piece of cheesecake in Singapore
5) A phone call from a long-lost friend
6) A fantastic view of the sunrise
7) A late-night walk around Kent Ridge park
8) A really good book with hot chocolate and marshmallows
9) A walk on the beach
10)A pint of Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough (of course :) )

As my 19th birthday draws near, I feel like a chapter of my life will be closing as well. 18 was the year I grew up and realized that my life isn't the plush fantasy land that I so naively thought it was. Yet despite experiencing the absolute worst (so far anyway), I still believe it's the best life I could ever have. I celebrated the day I turned 18 with a big smile and lots of laughter. I will celebrate the day I turn 19 in the same way, waiting in excitement for the next chapter to begin.

To Gina, On Her 19th Birthday

Every now and then
We find a special friend
Who never lets us down
Who understands it all
Reaches out each time you fall
You're the best friend that I've found
I know you can't stay
But part of you will never ever go away
Your heart will stay
I'll make a wish for you
And hope it will come true
That life would just be kind
To such a gentle mind
If you lose your way
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way
Remember me this way

Remember Me This Way by Jordan Hill

My Dearest Gina,

I remember singing this song a year ago, on your 18th birthday. I didn't even know that a year later, things would turn out the way they did, with me being in Singapore and you in the Philippines. I was merely referring to the changes that both of us experienced during that year, going to different colleges and building lives of our own, you becoming the hot doctor and me becoming the equally hot businesswoman. And even if we only got to see each other every so often, you remained constantly in my mind. I remember texting you when I saw butterscotch bars being sold in school, which brought me back to our high school memories of pigging out on those darn bars every chance we got. I also remember wearing the green beaded Bayo shirt on our sleepover at the condo and finding out that you had the exact same shirt. And of course, who could forget all our late night phone calls during the darkest of times for both you and me.

Who would've thought that meeting you on our very first day in Pisay, when both of us looked at each other and just started talking randomly, would lead to an incredibly beautiful friendship? It still amazes me every time I think about it. Truly, God doesn't let things happen by accident, because He definitely had a purpose in bringing you and I together. High school wouldn't have been as fun if I had to go through Wrong Greymar Days, cheerleading practice, Sir Diaz's wrath in Himig, and Mr Engjourn (I forgot his name hahaha) and all his bizarre ideas in class alone. But more than that, I am grateful that I met you because you are one of the people who helped turn me into the person that I am today. I learned so much from you, what with the wisdom beyond your age that you possess. Your joy in life's little things brought me up when I hit rock-bottom. Your unwavering faith despite failure inspired me to evaluate and strengthen my own. And of course, your expertise with boys definitely helped with my own boy dilemmas.

It's amazing to have been able to find someone who is a lot like me, yet different enough to provide me with hindsight and perspective. I have yet to find someone else who I would wake up in the middle of the night for, worrying sick about his/her bad decisions (think back to second year, during your Raf phase haha :) ). I have also yet to find someone else who shares the same level of mental telepatheticness that we do, knowing exactly what the other is gonna say before we even say it. Neither have I found someone who I can enjoy oval sitting, cloud watching, and village walking with. But I guess I really don't need to. There can really be only one Gina in my life :)

And now that we're building more of our own lives, it might be expected that we lose friendship that we've had for 6 years, but I certainly disagree. I think what's beautiful about this friendship is that we never really need to constantly be with each other to remain close. I believe that a true friendship transcends time, space, and distance, as ours is. While we both embark on our own journeys and achieve our own dreams, trust that I will forever remain your number one cheerleader. I'm extremely proud of all that you've accomplished, my dear princess, but even prouder that I have someone as wonderful as you for one of my best friends. Happy Birthday. I hope you continue to infect other lives with your perpetual joy and optimism, as much as you have done so in mine. Beautiful and everlasting - truly, I will remember our friendship this way. I love you!

Always and forever,
Kaypz


Trying to catch the pretty view from the condo on cam!


Girls in pink! Camwhoring, Hawaiian style!


Looking incredibly nene while lazing around in Pisay gazebos....


....again....


...and again....:)

Lights Will Guide You Home

"So is Singapore your home now?"

After spending the last week in Manila, I arrived in Singapore this afternoon. This was the question posed by a friend of mine during dinner and it was only then that I realized I had unconsciously referred to Singapore as "home". The last few times that I went back to Manila, my definition of "home" had been incredibly clear. My soft, fluffy bed, people-infested malls, huge family dinners, dessert runs with my best friends - this was home to me. I referred to Singapore as the place where I studied, and going back always managed to elicit quite a few buckets of tears from my eyes. I remember looking out the window when the plane was about to take off from the Clark airport and thinking, "I wish I didn't have to leave" while concurrently biting my lip to keep the tears from flowing.

As expected, I was excited to go back to Manila during this most recent trip. I took the midnight flight out last Sunday and was once again looking out the plane window, this time with a feeling of joyful anxiety swelling up inside of me, which was even more magnified by what I saw:



And when I saw the pitch-black ground solely illuminated by glittering lights as we descended into Manila, the familiar feeling of being "home" settled inside of me. The week quickly passed by though, in a blur of meetings with friends, long, tearful talks, and hearty laughter over good food and conversation. Pretty soon, I was looking out from the window yet again, as the plane left the Clark airport.

The heavy feeling I used to get from leaving "home", however, was contained to a minimal extent. Oddly enough, I was feeling the exact same way as when I was leaving for Manila a week ago. The dread of going back had been replaced by the same kind of joyful anxiety associated with going "home". Being welcomed by smiling faces at the arrival area definitely helped as well :) (Thanks guys!)

Hence, after much pondering, I guess I'm beginning to get comfortable with the idea of making Singapore home. And while the Philippines will ultimately always be home, I think I'm off to a pretty good start right here and right now.


With Kris, Preaw, and Jen - my staple clubbing girls!


Cool kids at the back of the bus!


Leovine's one of the girls :)


At New York, New York with Ivy, my Singapore big sis :)


After Ming Feng's Seth Cohen makeover


With Dawn and Fiona, my foster sisters!


Pigging out at the PGP kitchen, courtesy of Caro's home-cooked dinner :)


The reason why Singapore's been a blast so far :)

On Valentine's Day (Part 2, way delayed)

"Ever got the feeling of being alone in a crowd?"

A friend of mine randomly asked this question while we were waiting for the next train at the terminal this week. I paused for a bit and realized that this was exactly what I felt on Valentine's Day.

I was actually looking forward to Valentine's Day this year because Jen and I decided that we were gonna do the Anti-Valentine's date, get all prettied up, have a nice dinner with Nathan, our "foster dad", then head out to Orchard to bash mushy couples passing by. On the night itself, however, things weren't going as well as we expected. For starters, Nathan got stuck at work so it was only Jen and I at dinner. We came up with a Plan B and met up with Stace and the other Manila kids from SMU at NYDC Heeren. And while it was great seeing and talking to all of them again, a part of me felt detached from it all. The familiar feeling of being a spectator to my own life, seeing it all happen but only from a distance, and having no power to stop it sunk in.

So there I was, sitting at NYDC, surrounded by friends and upbeat conversation, yet feeling alone. The day ended eventually, and Jen and I caught the bus home in our pretty frocks, engaging in small talk with a hall friend we bumped into at the bus stop. Yet I remained pensive for most of the trip, watching the city lights and cars with happy couples inside pass by in one, unrecognizable blur. It was during that ride home that I realized that I really am on my own from now on, which was probably why I felt that way. But despite the heavy feeling that settled upon me that night, I found comfort in thought that I am being taken care of and everything will be alright. I know He's with me, and somehow that makes me feel that things will be okay.

Ending this post on a slightly happy note are pics from that night. Happy Valentine's Day everyone!



View from the cab's backseat. Check out the traffic jam!


Jen, my date for the evening, looking incredibly pretty LOL :)


The ro-tic (romantic without the MAN) balcony dinner


Ati's home-cooked meal!


The girls at NYDC


Our attempt at looking pseudo-happy for Vday!

On Valentine's Day (Part 1)

It just stopped raining. The ground glitters with leftover raindrops. Soft sunlight is filtering through the clouds of the afternoon sky. A comforting chill lingers in the air. I am sitting in front of my desk, with a cup of horlicks, all alone. We're in this Love Together by Al Jarreau is blaring from my Mac. On the day before Valentine's Day.

Sad?

Not really. Well, at least I don't think so. Despite the fact that this is going to be my first Valentine's Day as a single gal in two years. And that all around the hallways today were booths offering stuffed bears, chocolates, and roses. And that the hall lifts and lobby are plastered with Valentine greetings. And that my younger brother just got together with his very first girlfriend and the two of them will be going out to dinner with my mom and dad tomorrow.

Okay, I'm starting to sound like a bitter, old spinstress. I guess a tad part of me is sad about the whole thing, but a bigger part of me feels like it's all going to be okay. Looking at my uber girly planner alone, the past few weeks have been a fantastic blur of meetings, trainings, lunches, and night outs. I am so truly grateful to all the friends who have made the past few weeks an easier load to bear. You guys know who you are, and you definitely deserve a big (FREE!) hug from me one of these days :)

Uh-oh, it seems my brain has taken a vacation yet again, as my thoughts have become fragmented. The thought of the fondue awaiting me at Kimmy's has taken its place. Hence, I shall temporarily stop reflecting and shall get back to all of you later.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Breaking it down

Whenever friends back home would ask, "How's life in Singapore?", I found myself with the exact same reaction. I would first take a deep breath, muster the sincerest smile possible, and say, "It's...okay", then change the topic.

So I guess it comes as no surprise to find that my friends ultimately do not get how it truly was for me last semester. Hence, to break it all down once and for all, I decided to sift through my old blog and post the entry that best describes my first semester in Singapore...in its most UNSAFE, UNFILTERED, UNTHOUGHT-OF form:

Post Title: Where do you go when you're lonely?
Post Date: 10/03/2006

Is it just me or is this week turning out to be exceptionally sad and lonely? Half-heartedly coming home from a week-long trip to the Philippines on Sunday,witnessing the UAAP Championship loss of my beloved Ateneo on Monday, and drifting along today inside libraries and study halls as part of my hardcore Econ midterm prep.

Honestly, this feeling of loneliness has been hanging over me like a perpetual rain cloud above my head ever since I got here. True, there have been days wherein I've had a bit of fun, but as I look back at my life here so far, it feels so empty compared to my life back home. And the funny thing is, I feel like I'm a spectator to my own life, just watching it all unfold and powerless to do anything about it. I can almost hear people back home saying, "Make new friends, join stuff, put yourself out there!" Easier said than done, but I guess I can't blame them because unlike me, they're not here to see what it's actually like.

I thought that all I needed before coming here were washing machine skills and a smile. That's always worked before anyway. But now that I've seen what it's like, I realized that you need so much more. And sometimes, surviving just takes too much effort, hence the detachment and consequential loneliness.

I'm not even making sense am I? Anyway, when you think about it,loneliness is such an essential part of human life. I just realized that more than half of the songs, movies, and series that I've encountered involve this emotion. I guess dwelling on your loneliness gives you something to bother with, for otherwise you'll be an empty shell, just drifting along each day. And admittedly, dwelling on your loneliness of the moment makes it all the more sweeter when things do finally look up for you. As Meredith Grey said, "You hit yourself so hard because it feels so good when you stop."

Therefore, allow me the luxury of reveling in this bittersweet bubble of loneliness.

I lost Kaypee that semester. I'm trying to find her again this time.

Forgive me for not being able to handle that and everything else.