Whenever friends back home would ask, "How's life in Singapore?", I found myself with the exact same reaction. I would first take a deep breath, muster the sincerest smile possible, and say, "It's...okay", then change the topic.
So I guess it comes as no surprise to find that my friends ultimately do not get how it truly was for me last semester. Hence, to break it all down once and for all, I decided to sift through my old blog and post the entry that best describes my first semester in Singapore...in its most UNSAFE, UNFILTERED, UNTHOUGHT-OF form:
Post Title: Where do you go when you're lonely?
Post Date: 10/03/2006
Is it just me or is this week turning out to be exceptionally sad and lonely? Half-heartedly coming home from a week-long trip to the Philippines on Sunday,witnessing the UAAP Championship loss of my beloved Ateneo on Monday, and drifting along today inside libraries and study halls as part of my hardcore Econ midterm prep.
Honestly, this feeling of loneliness has been hanging over me like a perpetual rain cloud above my head ever since I got here. True, there have been days wherein I've had a bit of fun, but as I look back at my life here so far, it feels so empty compared to my life back home. And the funny thing is, I feel like I'm a spectator to my own life, just watching it all unfold and powerless to do anything about it. I can almost hear people back home saying, "Make new friends, join stuff, put yourself out there!" Easier said than done, but I guess I can't blame them because unlike me, they're not here to see what it's actually like.
I thought that all I needed before coming here were washing machine skills and a smile. That's always worked before anyway. But now that I've seen what it's like, I realized that you need so much more. And sometimes, surviving just takes too much effort, hence the detachment and consequential loneliness.
I'm not even making sense am I? Anyway, when you think about it,loneliness is such an essential part of human life. I just realized that more than half of the songs, movies, and series that I've encountered involve this emotion. I guess dwelling on your loneliness gives you something to bother with, for otherwise you'll be an empty shell, just drifting along each day. And admittedly, dwelling on your loneliness of the moment makes it all the more sweeter when things do finally look up for you. As Meredith Grey said, "You hit yourself so hard because it feels so good when you stop."
Therefore, allow me the luxury of reveling in this bittersweet bubble of loneliness.
I lost Kaypee that semester. I'm trying to find her again this time.
Forgive me for not being able to handle that and everything else.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Craving!!!
Thanks to everyone who contributed to this month's PMS craving list!
1. Fried Mars bar
2. Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf Honeydew Ice Blended
3. Starbucks Green Tea Frappucino
4. Ice cream sandwich
5. Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
6. Sausage and Cheese crepe
7. Siew Mai
8. Xiao Long Bao
9. "The Duck Place" duck
10. Crispy mushrooms
11. Lau Pa Sat satay
12. Bakerzin pink sauce pasta
Will update if I think of more. Hunggggrrryyy!!!!
1. Fried Mars bar
2. Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf Honeydew Ice Blended
3. Starbucks Green Tea Frappucino
4. Ice cream sandwich
5. Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough
6. Sausage and Cheese crepe
7. Siew Mai
8. Xiao Long Bao
9. "The Duck Place" duck
10. Crispy mushrooms
11. Lau Pa Sat satay
12. Bakerzin pink sauce pasta
Will update if I think of more. Hunggggrrryyy!!!!
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Silly little smiley moments
You know how in movies set in some city, i.e. You've Got Mail, there's always a shot of Meg Ryan or (insert Hollywood actress here), walking down the busy streets of (insert city's name here), on a bright sunny morning, holding a cup of (insert coffee shop of choice) coffee on one hand and the day's paper on the other, wearing a nice, brand spankin' new (insert designer garment of choice), bobbing her head from side to side, with a silly little smile on her face, as she gaits happily throughout the scene. Bouncy background music optional.
When I first moved here to Singapore, I was actually thrilled to have the chance to live out my Meg Ryan-in-the-city fantasy. I could just imagine myself walking down Orchard Road, on a busy Monday morning, wearing the exact same outfit and smile that she did in the movie. Hence, I set off to re-enact the scene the first opportunity that I had. Boy, it sure played out differently from what I expected. Have you ever tried walking down Orchard Road during the rush hour?? Just having to get through the throngs of sullen-looking people is torture enough, but add to that the trouble of having to shoo away, and in some cases, run away from the pesky promoters who try to sell you everything from eyebrow tweezing services to credit cards. Add to that the trouble of having to balance your scalding hot cup of coffee with everything else you have to hold on to. And when that hyperactive little kid bumps into you, you then get so lucky as to wear the coffee all over your shirt and everything else that you're holding on to. Throw in the occasional strange old uncle who has nothing better to do than to throw cat calls at passers by. If you can happily gait through all of that, I salute you.
More than that though, it made me feel empty, walking through all that. Despite the three different shopping bags that I constantly held, I felt that Orchard had lost its magic for me. It was no longer special, just something that I had to go through to get things done. And despite efforts on my very best day, I couldn't find it in me to muster a silly little smile.
Which is why I found it such a surprise today that I was actually able to live out the fantasy unexpectedly, walking through Collyer Quay in the afternoon and along NUS at night. Looking around at how the wind blew leaves off the trees and my hair into my face (haha), I didn't even have to muster a smile because it came so naturally. And to be able to finally get that moment is quite rewarding, I must say.
I guess it's true, good things come when you expect them to. I'm so glad to have changed my outlook this year. I have a feeling more Meg Ryan moments will be coming my way :)
When I first moved here to Singapore, I was actually thrilled to have the chance to live out my Meg Ryan-in-the-city fantasy. I could just imagine myself walking down Orchard Road, on a busy Monday morning, wearing the exact same outfit and smile that she did in the movie. Hence, I set off to re-enact the scene the first opportunity that I had. Boy, it sure played out differently from what I expected. Have you ever tried walking down Orchard Road during the rush hour?? Just having to get through the throngs of sullen-looking people is torture enough, but add to that the trouble of having to shoo away, and in some cases, run away from the pesky promoters who try to sell you everything from eyebrow tweezing services to credit cards. Add to that the trouble of having to balance your scalding hot cup of coffee with everything else you have to hold on to. And when that hyperactive little kid bumps into you, you then get so lucky as to wear the coffee all over your shirt and everything else that you're holding on to. Throw in the occasional strange old uncle who has nothing better to do than to throw cat calls at passers by. If you can happily gait through all of that, I salute you.
More than that though, it made me feel empty, walking through all that. Despite the three different shopping bags that I constantly held, I felt that Orchard had lost its magic for me. It was no longer special, just something that I had to go through to get things done. And despite efforts on my very best day, I couldn't find it in me to muster a silly little smile.
Which is why I found it such a surprise today that I was actually able to live out the fantasy unexpectedly, walking through Collyer Quay in the afternoon and along NUS at night. Looking around at how the wind blew leaves off the trees and my hair into my face (haha), I didn't even have to muster a smile because it came so naturally. And to be able to finally get that moment is quite rewarding, I must say.
I guess it's true, good things come when you expect them to. I'm so glad to have changed my outlook this year. I have a feeling more Meg Ryan moments will be coming my way :)
Monday, January 29, 2007
Finally here
After a whole semester of finding the right look to my supposed "Princess in the City" blog, I decided to scrap the idea altogether, for several reasons: a) I wasn't really feeling the whole idea of living alone in a strange, new city; b) I was too lethargic to open my books, let alone blog about the monotonous mundanity that is my life; and c) I couldn't find the right pink/black template for my blog haha.
Anyway, the first semester came and went, and pretty soon I was on the plane back to the Philippines (for like the umpteenth time). The break was great, but as with all good things, it flew by and soon I was on my way back to Zzzzzingapore. The days leading to my departure from Manila and the first few days here were the worst - I was crying my eyes out for nights on end, thinking about the life that I was leaving behind yet again.
But somewhere in between my 100th Kleenex and 7th sleepless night, I suddenly realized that I should just quit crying and actually do something to turn my life around. It was then that I felt what being 18 really meant - growing up. Hence, 4 weeks and more than a thousand conversations with everyone that I meet, I'm finally here....living my life in this city. 18 was really the year i grew up as this was the year that I:
1) Moved out
2) Lived on my own in another country
3) Stayed out until late
4) Broke up with my boyfriend
5) Cooked myself dinner
6) Broke free
Thinking back to almost a year ago, during my 18th birthday party, where I wore my beautiful, pink Audrey-inspired dress and glittery tiara and called myself a princess. As I went through the year, I realized that being a princess just doesn't cut it. Not when you're sitting at the bus stop and some strange man comes up too close to you and you're a second away from screaming, "HEEEELPPPP!!!", anyway. And from a broader perspective, it's easier to run through life in jeans and sneakers than a tiara and heels. The princess has grown up...and she's gonna make this year rock. Just you wait and see.
Anyway, the first semester came and went, and pretty soon I was on the plane back to the Philippines (for like the umpteenth time). The break was great, but as with all good things, it flew by and soon I was on my way back to Zzzzzingapore. The days leading to my departure from Manila and the first few days here were the worst - I was crying my eyes out for nights on end, thinking about the life that I was leaving behind yet again.
But somewhere in between my 100th Kleenex and 7th sleepless night, I suddenly realized that I should just quit crying and actually do something to turn my life around. It was then that I felt what being 18 really meant - growing up. Hence, 4 weeks and more than a thousand conversations with everyone that I meet, I'm finally here....living my life in this city. 18 was really the year i grew up as this was the year that I:
1) Moved out
2) Lived on my own in another country
3) Stayed out until late
4) Broke up with my boyfriend
5) Cooked myself dinner
6) Broke free
Thinking back to almost a year ago, during my 18th birthday party, where I wore my beautiful, pink Audrey-inspired dress and glittery tiara and called myself a princess. As I went through the year, I realized that being a princess just doesn't cut it. Not when you're sitting at the bus stop and some strange man comes up too close to you and you're a second away from screaming, "HEEEELPPPP!!!", anyway. And from a broader perspective, it's easier to run through life in jeans and sneakers than a tiara and heels. The princess has grown up...and she's gonna make this year rock. Just you wait and see.
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