Full Circle

This was taken during my 18th birthday party.

It's so hard to believe that it was already a year ago. I feel so far away from my life then, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's just different, I guess. I remember thinking then about such details: the design of my dress, the decor of the place, the music to be played, the presents that I would be receiving.

But now, it's just a distant, blissful memory.

With my birthday exactly a week away, I guess it's inevitable that I do a bit of reminiscing. I remember dreading my birthday last year because that was the day I had to take my scholarship exam and my final exams in Ateneo. It was a marathon of 3 grueling exams in one day and by the end of it all, I was just sitting on one of the benches along the SEC walkway, absolutely exhausted. I remember thinking if I would ever survive that day. Sitting and typing this from my dorm in a foreign city definitely proves that I did.

It amuses me to look back a year and realize that I led a relatively small life. I was studying in a good school with a very sheltered environment. I was surrounded by my friends and family. A typical week would consist of school for the weekdays and weekend mall dates with my girls or my mom. I guess I could say that those were definitely happy days, yet I always felt like there was something bigger in store for me. Yet when I did try to discover that "something", I was met with a lot of sadness and loneliness, to the point where I was starting to question why I even wanted it and whether it was really for me in the first place. But as I always say, when you hit rock-bottom, there's no way to go but up. In a year, I left everything to look for Kaypee, lose her, and start to find her once more. Yet the Kaypee I found is now slightly older, wiser, but still full of hope and joy. I am overwhelmed by the roller coaster ride that is the past year (though I have yet to ride a real roller coaster). But I would do it all again in a heartbeat.

A friend asked me what I wanted for my birthday this year. Had he asked a year ago, I would've answered, "A top from ____, a skirt from ____, and shoes from ____. Oh, you might want to throw in _____'s new CD too." But now, I was honestly at a loss. Pondering upon it more, I finally came up with a list:

1) A roller coaster ride
2) A day for ice skating
3) Something (anything!!!) in the mail
4) The best piece of cheesecake in Singapore
5) A phone call from a long-lost friend
6) A fantastic view of the sunrise
7) A late-night walk around Kent Ridge park
8) A really good book with hot chocolate and marshmallows
9) A walk on the beach
10)A pint of Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough (of course :) )

As my 19th birthday draws near, I feel like a chapter of my life will be closing as well. 18 was the year I grew up and realized that my life isn't the plush fantasy land that I so naively thought it was. Yet despite experiencing the absolute worst (so far anyway), I still believe it's the best life I could ever have. I celebrated the day I turned 18 with a big smile and lots of laughter. I will celebrate the day I turn 19 in the same way, waiting in excitement for the next chapter to begin.